He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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