I showed him my bush... on skype.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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