Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
