you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
