Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
