i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
