Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
