He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
