I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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