omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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