Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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