if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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