My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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