70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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