you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
