his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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