So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
