New low: just hacked my moms facebook
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
