I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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