Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You can't motorboat a personality
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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