Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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