I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
