saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize