Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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