i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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