how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
