mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize