I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
