She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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