I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think I am morally bankrupt
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
