i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
