I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
