hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
