This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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