just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
