Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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