I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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