I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
