My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We talked him into tasing himself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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