What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
