worst night to have a conscience
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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