Are we in a gay sports bar?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
