That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
