Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
