everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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