Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize