I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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