the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize