I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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