he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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