you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
