I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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