if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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