i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
