she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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