Porn is love you can see.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
