Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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