You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You've changed since you got that strap on
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
