does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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