I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
