the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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