I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
