Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
