If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
